Moving

Sometimes if you stop to think too long, the thoughts can playback over and over as if stuck on a never ending reel. But sometimes, out of those thoughts come ones that have seeped into your brain and that you re-call with a small smile, a whispered laugh or the shed of a tear. Sometimes that thought is not a something but rather a someone or a group of someones that slowly creeps in and meanders around aimlessly but not without purpose.

The purpose of some people in your life is for them to show their true colors when push comes to shove. I think that maybe some people are put into your life on purpose to "let you down" in the end. Maybe it's a test of sorts, to see if you can sort out those that have meaning as a whole but mean nothing to you in the end. Humans fascinate me and of course being human myself, I am linked to that group, the "human race". The race part, I'll agree with, the human part, well... I have my doubts. Let's face it, as "creatures", we're pretty gross (and now it gets pretty graphic), we burp, fart, shit, piss, put things in our mouths that we shouldn't, we lie, deceive, practice the 7 Deadly Sins(even if we try not too) and generally are just walking masses of slimy parts that make up a whole.

But then, then just when your faith in people has been destroyed, whether you know them or not, then, you happen upon someone or someones that make you realize that under all those "slimy parts", you have a heart. And you realize it's always been there, you just turned it off on purpose, for sanity? for protection? for all of the above? Then you wonder why? And you answer yourself with "because it was just easier that way" but secretly you wonder if it really was easier or if it pushed people from you. So, you slowly begin to remove the armor from your heart, in layers, because you fear rejection above all else. But you also begin to realize that not everyone out there is going to take advantage of you and that when your friends tell you to really think something through, no matter what it is, that you really think it through and don't shove the idea by the wayside.

Then you begin to observe some pretty amazing things about yourself and the others around you. And you realize that, yes, perhaps (because nothing is for sure), you'll find someone to grow old with. And, yes, in the long run you'll be okay because you live and learn and move on. But you move on with womanly grace and a head held high knowing that there are somethings you could never do to another person, but knowing that everyone is not like you. And you move knowing that loss is a part of everyday life, and that not everyone keeps their promises, and not everyone takes responsibility for their own actions, and that people begin to look at you differently when you start to grow in another direction or change in any way, because this scares them. You learn that friends and acquaintences are 2 different things and you learn that people can move from acquaintences to friends and sometimes back again, but only if you allow them. And that some friends will choose instant gratification over tried and true friendship and that alone will break your heart. But like time, you move and soon those that matter fall into place and become the solid foundation upon which you can rely. And you move, move from the gossip, the macabre sense of security and the role playing of it all to a different space in your life, a space for you.

Then...you watch your mother's eyes fill with tears as you give up "something that you can call your own" for, oh let's just say more than the first time. And you wonder if your mom is crying because she doesn't know what to say, because she doesn't understand this life you lead or because it's beyond her grasp to protect you from it. Or simply because deep down, she wishes for you to be complete before her time on earth is through. Maybe she's simply searching for the right words as she watches you 'move' yet again, on someone else's terms.

But you move and you leave your parents to drive to what you call home to everyone else, but in your heart feels like a stopping place. And as you drive, it's a comfortable silence and the person next to you that reminds you that you are worthy of someone's devotion and affection and soon, you will be able to stop moving and you'll be able to stop looking for an escape route, because you will find someone to complete you.

And you know in that instant, that with time, you will stop moving and you'll be alive in the moment. But you hope that the moment will be with her, even if you are still and moving, all at the same time.

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there
and take a breath and hold on tight
spin around one more time
and gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don't want to speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me
cause I want nothing more than
to sit outside Heaven's door
and listen to you breathing
is where I wanna be yeah

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and I'm
trying to identify the voices in my head
God which one's you
let me feel one more time what it
feels like to feel and
break these calluses off of me
one more time

cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don't wanna speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me
cause I want nothing more than
to sit outside your door
and listen to your breathing
is where I wanna be yeah
where I wanna be

I don't want a thing from you
bet you're tired of me
waiting for the scraps to fall off of your table to the ground
cause I just want to be here now

cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don't wanna speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me
cause I want nothing more than
to sit outside Heaven's door
and listen to your breathing
is where I wanna be yeah

cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don't wanna speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me
cause I want nothing more than
to sit outside Heaven's door
and listen to you breathing
is where I wanna be yeah
where I wanna be
where I wanna be