Friday, November 03, 2006

What I've Learned From the South

I confess. I'm a YANKEE in the South. Grab your chillens and run and hide as fast as you can, lol. I've learned alot from living in the South and I recently learned that real Texas Chili has no beans?? I don't get that, Yankee Chili has beans and I make some damn good chili.

Well, no matter, on to what I've learned in the South.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches. (for the record, I say too-may-toes, I've never said Toe-mah-toes, but I LOVE mater samiches)

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses. (AMEN, that's all I'm saying)

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press on Nails.

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits. (and yes, I finally caved and tried Grits, but now I will ONLY eat them at the Hickory House, I heart that place)

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens. ( I love me some collards and black eyes peas and cornbread and yeah, um, I ate this stuff growing up in the North)

The North has lobsters,
The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. (TRUE)

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store. (I've seen this, I've been in side a store like this, I bought a Coke)

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" (more times than I can count)

You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!" ( I say "ought" now as well)

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. (Yep, I caught myself saying Big ol' boy one day and KNEW I was doomed)

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. (I can't abide by this, I really can't)

Be advised that "He needed kill'n" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. (SO TRUE, and the stores run out of eggs, milk and bread, that's ALOT of French toast people)

When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. ( I can drive a tractor, in John Deere Green - bonus points if anyone know the rest of the words to that song)

So yes, this is what I've learned from the South, among other things, but these things, well...yeah, you just have to smile.


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