Sunday, August 08, 2004

Nature's Force

After visiting my parents this weekend in Tennessee, I decided to follow my aunt and mother to the Harrah's Casino in Cherokee, North Carolina, where I didn't do too shabby this time. But that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing this because the drive from Gatlinburg to Cherokee takes you over and through the Smokey Mountains and the National Park. Lot's of thinking time to be had. And this, is what I thought:

Even though it's not fall yet, the temperature in the air was perfect for it. The only thing missing was the leaves showing their true colors. For the longest time, I didn't know that the "green" color we see is a mask of the true color underneath and that once a year we get the "real deal", the, "I'm BRILLIANT for the all the world to see" colors. Autumn is my favorite season. It was my grandmothers' favorite season as well.

While driving through the mountains, and I strongly suggest it once in your lifetime, there are several places to stop and get out of your car to look over the vast valley's and peaks. It's stunning and even more so when the colors are in bloom, so to speak. So I decided to stop for a bit, get out and lok around. That's when it happened.

It didn't take very long, maybe 10 minutes and the tears flowed and it all became complete for me. There would be no more trips to New England for leaf turning season, no more trips to Fort Ticonderoga, no more picking apples right from the tree and basically no more of these "brillant" things that I was able to do with my grandmother.

You see, my grandmother died almost 3 years ago as of October 12, when, in New England and New York, this is peak season for the leaves to turn and the air is cool upon your skin and the smells of Fall are in the air. I however, never had the chance to properly mourn this and I know it sounds silly but I think now, I feel like we both got gypped. She from Alzheimers, a woman who would, in her youth, take the train to NYC to get her nails and hair done and I because well, she was my last grandparent, I was her favorite and there were many more years left to be had together.

Autumn was our favorite season because it was simply Brilliant.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Some Changes For Me

So after watching The Exorcist take place for real in the living room, I have made a vast amount of decisions so that I will not witness that shit ever, ever again. Of course, this also came with much soul searching and talks with honest, true friends. I have a handful and I'm fine by that, so here they are:

1. Never again in this life time or any other life time will I pair myself with a partner who thrives on beating down my self-esteem.

2. I will so learn to say NO more often and mean it, no joke.

3. I will make every attempt to keep my opinions to myself and let you think you are right even if I can produce written proof that you are not.

4. I will remove myself from everyone else's drama(we don't like drama, SUUURE, you don't) because I don't give a flying fuck.

5. I will attempt to sympathize and empathize with people when I can, but the first time that I have to bend your ear and you blow me off, it will be the LAST time I listen to one IOTA of "poor me" from you. (Please use the word in the general sense of the word)

6. I will give to you as much as you give to me in terms of time, but if you want money, it's called a J-O-B, sing it with me, JOBBY JOB.

7. I will not put all my eggs in one basket, because before you know it, someone has stomped all over the eggs.

8. I will not be with someone who has no patience for the elderly, because guess what, we're ALL gonna get there.

9. I will not be with someone who drinks excessively. I like to have a few drinks too and can throw them back with the rest of them, but um, I stopped doing that in my early 20's as I knew where I was headed if I didn't.

10. I will never be with someone in a friend or partner way that can't communicate and then flips the fuck out because I breath wrong and I will never, ever ,ever again let something that isn't my fault suddenly be my fault.

So yea, I said numerous, but this is a partial list. Catch me on a good day and I'll tell you more. But for now, I think I've put my foot down pretty hard and oddly enough things are looking up.

Never Ceasing to be Amazed

Sometimes my thoughts go through my head so fast, I feel like I'm on the bullet train hurtling at light speed and then someone steps on the brakes, HARD. This is when my thoughts come crashing down and settle into place, if but for a brief moment. Well it has happened tonight, today actually, I just got around to writing about it tonight.

I have seen some pretty sad and amazing stuff in my lifetime and compared to some, it hasn't been a long lifetime and I'm sure others have experienced more, but that's cool as we are all different and will experience different things at different times in our lives. But the past weekend totally blew my mind to epic proportions.

Maybe it's me, maybe it's the way I was raised(my parents did a decent job with me, I think), but there is something so so very wrong about being at a party for kids and being so drunk that you can't even get your mouth to work. That's right folks, you are so hammered that your brain has forgotten how to manipulate your gross and fine motor skills so you stand there, with others who are also hammered, but not as much as you, and stare into space like there is something so fucking wonderful on the wall in front of you that you can't possible look away or you might actually miss the wall settling on the foundation.

I kid you not, I witnessed this and it made me sick and saddened me at the same time. Today was someone else's day a day to celebrate, a BIRTHDAY, and this wasn't for one of your peers, it was for someone who should respect you, but how do you respect a drunk, who clearly has no respect for herself? What's even more sad is that you weren't the only drunk one there but you were the only one who made is obvious.

I just don't get it, it was a party for a kid and okay, if there are no other kids around, sure you invite adults, it's not the kids fault, but damn those adults should know how to act, react and just generally fucking behave in front of a kid, especially during the most impressionable years.

But then again, maybe it's me.