Supposed to feel.....

Pity, empathy, sadness for Andrea Yates. She was on the news yesterday, in a photograph with a caption that said she was sobbing openly in court.

Oh, BOO FUCKING HOO!

I have a hard time feeling anything for a woman who "methodically drowned" her 5 children. Here's something ironic, their names were Noah, John, Paul, Luke and Mary, see anything BIBLICAL there, folks?

I just read some of the report, yeah, a crazy person doesn't hunt down a kid to drown them in the bathtub. That's what happened to one, he (I can't remember which one), saw what was happening, took off running and that bitch hunted him down and drowned him in the bathtub. Like an animal. Kicking, screaming, clawing, hair from his mother (gag) left in his tiny fists, fists clenched so tight and arms so tense that he was found like that. Yeah, that's the look of terrified and looking straight into the HELL MOUTH!

I'm not a mom, I don't know what it's like to give birth. I know my mom threatened to "take me out of this world, because she brought me into it", but....

Fuck.

Sometimes I Wonder

Seriously, if something is wrong with me. Some stats:

-34
-single
-lesbian
-professional
-intelligent
-well dressed (yeah I can let go on the weekends)
-well mannered
-educated
-well read
-witty
-charasmatic (or so I've been told)
-employed
-not fat, not thin, not perfect either

I could keep going and going. Like I said, I'm not perfect. So, why, WHY am I having a hard time meeting people for dating. Most of the women I meet, we end up being friends and nothing more, even with the ones that I like and like alot.

Any helpful hints would be appreciated.

Rude Awakening

I was talking to a friend of mine this morning who's a Deputy Sheriff in Mississippi (and we won't get specific here), and as we are talking, making the usual donut jokes, etc, etc, she says, "hold on a minute" and I hear her radio go off. I understand the words 929 and trailer park and we both laughed at that. Then she says, "holy hell, I gotta go, I got a suicide."

I text messaged her and said, "did you say suicide" and she responded, "yes".

In that instant I thought (because yeah, I can be sensitive sometimes, sometimes too much so), how can it be that someone out there feels so empty and so alone, that they have no one to turn too or thinks no one loves them enough, that they end their own life? Clearly they exist. And clearly, as we were laughing about trailer parks and their existence in the South, this man/woman (no, I don't know and it doesn't matter), was ending their own life.

My friend, she works in an area that runs the gamut from wealthy to poor, very poor -trailer park poor. Many times she gets called out to trailer parks where people live because they are doing their best to make ends meet and well, a trailer roof is better than no roof. Or, that's all they know and generations before them lived in trailer parks, so that's good enough for them.

I wondered if it was the man who beats on his girlfriend, who in a drunken rage burned the mattresses of the 5 (yes 5) children who live there, so they have to sleep in the recliners and on the couch, who knocked out all the windows of the trailer. It gets hot in Southern Mississppi, folks, HELL HOT, with humidity, bugs, etc, etc and yeah, no windows in this place. I don't think there's anything covering the gaping holes, I didn't ask, I didn't want to know the answer.

But sure as water is wet, that trailer, with the drunken man, the woman who thinks she can't do better and the 5 grocery store feet, dirty children, that trailer, well they have a big screen TV AND, ready for this, SURROUND SOUND! How's that?! And when I heard that I was snap angry and thought "what the fuck?, I bust my ass and even I don't have a big screen TV with surround sound." (not that I watch enough TV to warrant such a monstrosity, but still)

Then, I was sad. Sad to know that somewhere in Southern Mississippi, there are 5 children, who sleep on recliners because their beds have been burned, with a mom who can't see the great danger that will become them (get it, kids learn from watching...), with a DRUNK who is not a man at all, with a big screen TV and surround sound that allows them to escape from reality, if only until the man they call "daddy" becomes enraged once again.

And to think....I laughed at that trailer park.

I'm Super!!!! - Superficial That Is

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back....sorry about that, flashback. It was pointed out to me today by a friend of mine of almost 6 years that she sometimes "wonders if we're friends or just superficial".

Little background. I went on a date with someone who asked me not to show her photo to others as she works for the DOD (yeah, that's all you're gettin, bitches), and I agreed. We met through an online dating site, no, not match.com and in a brief moment of non-clarity, this person posted her photo but then quickly took it down. No big deal, except....

Said "almost 6 year friend" wanted to see a photo, so I told her there wasn't one, technically there's not, anymore. Later I said in conversation, "she didn't look like her photo, but she explained why and it was valid. (for the curious, no, it wasn't an old photo she posted).

"Almost 6 year friend" says, "I thought you said she didn't have a photo" and I said, "well, she did for a skinny minute, but then took it down, and I wouldn't have shown you anyway, she asked me not to send it because of what she does and who she works for". A resonable request on DOD girl's part, I think. By the way folks, we aren't talking state gov we're talking FEDERAL - so chew on that for a moment - and back to the story.

"Almost 6 year friend" says, "oh, I get it now" and then abruptly signs off AIM. (HI AOHELL). I text message her and say "be mad if you want too but I respected this persons request." To which I get "I'm not even in your state, so you wouldn't show me?" DUH DUH and did I say DUH? Now, this is an intelligent woman, folks, so it blew my mind when she said this. Um HELLO, the last time I checked the DOD was on the Federal level, so therefore it doesn't MATTER what STATE I'm IN. (Often it's the state of ignorant bliss and I like it that way.)

Then the superficial comment shows up. Yeah, I'm so superficial. So superficial that I put up with your nonsense for years, I've watched you make poor dating choices and then call me crying because someone has yet again, broke your heart and my heart aches for you, and the rest of me wants to pummel that person. I'm so superficial that I take your drunk calls, your insults, your hyper-critical assessments of people I am interested in romantically. I listen to how NO ONE is as good as your current romantic interest and then listen again about how poorly they treated you.

And yet, I find myself superficially sending you a gift every Xmas and birthday and going all out. (yeah, we had a brief interlude, but that's where it stopped). I find myself listening to you be scathing in your remarks about others and making comments to me that cut to the bone. And saying nothing. I allow you to cut me off mid-sentence because "you don't care about that crap."

But yeah, I'm superficial.

Thanks for asking.

Hockey

FUCK YOU CAROLINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Damn Oilers

Hockey isn't meant to be a "southern THANG" BITCHES.

Not Ready

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm sorry, excuse me....????

I recently read that woman will apologize for things even if it's not their fault, because that's the way we were taught. Maybe not by the people who raised us but rather, by society.

For example, this article said that women will even apologize to a chair if they accidentally run into it - a FUCKING INANIMATE OBJECT - "oops, sorry about that CHAIR, didn't mean to bump into you."

And then I thought, I don't do that, I don't apologize when it's not necessary, but after reading that article, I decided to make myself more aware of situations, just to see, in fact, if I apologized.

Sure enough, I did. And it floored me.

I was getting lunch in the building I work in, dressed professionally, work badge swinging from the hip and as I approached the escalator, a man stepped in front of me (nevermind that it could have turned into a dangerous situation), and I said, "oh, excuse me, I'm sorry."

Then.my.brain.went."click." And I went off.

I said, "excuse me, didn't you just cut in front of without so much as a WORD of excuse me?, I mean I learned that in FOURTH GRADE, that when you walk in front of someone, you say, "excuse me." (Yeah I followed this asshole). His response, "I didn't see you." (he was also fresh out of college looking with that white boy entitlement etched all over him)

Didn't see me? How could you FUCKING NOT SEE ME! I'm not small, I'm not invisible, I was carrying something in my hands. So I took pause and said, "oh well, then I'm sorry, my bad, I'm sorry you're such a self-centered MOTHERFUCKER."

Later that day as I was leaving the office, I called someone on the elevator a "rude cocksucker."

Because he was.